Wednesday, March 15, 2017

The Boy in my Bed

Sometimes life has a funny way of giving you things you absolutely don't deserve.  Example...I just recently bought my own place.  While sure I've worked hard to earn it, I found it within hours of my house search, it was first place I ever put an offer on, and the entire process from "Maybe I should start looking" to "move in day" took under 40 days.  Likewise sometimes wonderful boy moments simply fall into my lap.

Danny's been back in town so I visit him a few times a week on my way home from work. This weekend though, being my move in weekend he, all on his own, convinced his parents that he'd be my amazing helper for the entire weekend and before I knew it he was in my car heading home with me for the next few days.

The first night was still at my parents house and we just hung out and played games.  I have the new Nintendo Switch and we each held one half of the controller to play a single player game together and had such a blast.  When it was time for bed he took the couch in my room and went shirtless.  I hadn't seen him shirtless since the previous year and damn does he still look amazing.  He's got a fairly normal body, nice form, lightly defined pectorals, a smooth tummy and down at the bottom he's got a few dreaming hairs beginning to form the path to the treasures below.  He's even got a little hair in his pits, which normally I'm not a fan of but on him, he looks perfectly like a young boy.  Though he's 17 now we repeatedly concluded over the course of the weekend that he could easily pass as 14. At each place we ate he we'd hilariously discuss whether or not he could get away with ordering off the kids menu.  While he slept I struggled to ignore his beauty and the shape of his wonderful butt pretending to hide under the blanket.  He has the most amazing butt I've ever seen on a boy and I'm never able to peel my eyes away for long.  Eventually I did fade to sleep though until the morning when I continued my watchful care of my boy.

The following day was actual moving day.  And true to his word he was an amazing helper!  I never once heard him complain and in fact he was always eager to help out in any way he could, even past his point of exhaustion.  One thing we realized I was still missing was a mattress for my new bed so we went shopping.  Tired, we lied down together on all of them to try each one out and I would roll right over him from one bed to the next.  Eventually he called my name and I saw him laying down on his favorite beckoning for me to join him.  So I did and together we agreed it was our favorite and we carried it out.  Back at my place we set it up, put on the sheets and comforter and he immediately climbed on in to try them out and I joined him, except I used his tummy as a pillow and we relaxed for a moment in my bed together, my head calmly rising with each of his breaths.

Eventually though we decided to head over to my friend Brett's house to go in his hot tub.  It wasn't quite ready when we got there so we instead played some video games while we waited for it to heat.  Danny sat on the couch to the side, with this legs underneath him but to his left.  I sat next to him and placed his feet on my lap, which left his butt firmly pressed on my side.  He giggled and said "Can you feel me clenching when I play?" and I laughed back at him "Yeah haha!".  With each moment of intensity in the game his butt would clench and I could feel his muscles flex on me.  Meanwhile I massaged his little feet that were sitting in my lap covered in his deceptively stylish skater boy socks.  I loved to be able to love him that way, to delicately massage each toe and the soles of his feet to both comfort him and provide a way to express my feelings.  Eventually though it was my turn and I reluctantly released his feet to play.  At least I got to be on his team.

When the hot tub was ready Brett and myself made our way in while Danny was getting changed.  If you've read much of my blog you might remember that Brett is my straight childhood friend who I hide no secrets from.  While we were alone he was quick to mention "Danny really seems to love you quite a bit. It's obvious to see that you're really special to him.  And the way you look at's so love.  He brings a joy out in you that I only ever see when you're together." And those words really meant the world to me.  It felt amazing to have a friend validate my feelings for Danny and even though Danny's not gay and only loves me as a brother figure, that Brett could easily see the love he has for me in return.  When Danny arrived the suit I let him borrow was far too big for him so he wore his boxer briefs underneath just in case.  Once again it was great to see him shirtless and be able to appreciate his body in such a normal environment.  Once we got out I sat on the couch having already changed but Danny joined me shirtless, sitting on the arm of of the couch, his leg touching my arm and his chest right in my face.  I looked up at him hovering over me and he smiled and I playfully flicked his nipple while he tried to fight my hand off until I let him win and simply rested my head on his side.  I just love our playfulness and the affection he lets me show him.  If I can't have his romantic love, this is for sure the next best thing.

By the end of the day we had moved in most of my life, had set up the guest room for him and my own room for myself and got ready for bed.  Though one flaw in our preparation was that we failed to put up the curtains in the guest bedroom, who's window gave a clear view to anyone on the community sidewalk.  Plus I have an air conditioning unit in my room to keep it extra cool at night, which Danny really likes.  So I could not have planned it any better when he asked if he could sleep in my bed with me.   So many thoughts and feelings went through my mind at that moment.  I knew he isn't gay for me but could I handle having him in my bed with me?  Should I cuddle him while he's sleeping and pretend it was an accident?  Is this actually a good idea?  Turns out it doesn't matter because I can't say no to him.  So on my very first night living away from home in my new place, in my very new mattress I was lying next the boy I fell in love with years ago, the one I dream of every single night, only that night I didn't need to dream because that night he was there.

Danny decided against removing his shirt much to my disappointment but still so little of my night was actually spent sleeping.  Instead I watched him peacefully slumber and felt each breath wave through his body, though the bedding and onto myself.  At one point his feet clung to mine and I smiled at the touch.  But it took every fiber of my being to not cuddle up next to him, wrap my arms around my sweet boy and hold him so tight and so lovingly that he'd never want to live another moment without me.  My heart was raging, burning a physical pain from the emotions I was going through.  On one hand this moment was such an amazing blessing and so wonderfully peaceful yet on the other simply his presence in my bed was the worst tease and every muscle in my body was fighting a war against my overwhelming need to hold him.  I even woke up sweating in the middle of the night from the stress of it all, which I never do.  Eventually the sun rose, the alarm signaled time for church, my eyes weighed heavy but my heart full.  Danny adorably stirred, his hair a wild beast.  I decided to tame it while he lied there waking and ran my hands through his hair, lightly massaging his head and lovingly caressing the boy my heart hurt for.  My hand roamed down to his back, my fingertips dancing around his vertebrae playing them like a gentle instrument that warmed his soul.  For several minutes I inconspicuously touched my boy in a sweet loving way I spent a lifetime imagining of.  It wasn't sexual or wrong but sweet and caring and kind.  And in that moment I was the happiest I've been since I cuddled with Caleb so many years ago.  This was the dream I had been yearning for.  With only a touch of imagination I was sharing a bed with my the boy I love in our new home for the first time.  We were enjoying our lazy Sunday in bed by simply being together while I sweetly caressed him back to sleep.  We were in love and forever happy and life was perfect.  For a fleeting breath I was there.  I had all I've ever wanted, the perfect life with the perfect boy and it was absolutely incredible beyond anything I could comprehend because for a moment, for the first time in this troubled struggle I call life, I was fully, truly happy.

So that's what it feels like...

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Short but Sweet

Tonight Danny asked me to come over and help him with his computer and bring him Chipotle, his favorite. I already had plans so I wouldn’t have very long but I can’t say no to him. So I brought him a burrito and large drink, Dr. Pepper.  He was expecting his parents to be gone but they weren't and gave me a funny look when I walked in as if to say "How are you going to explain getting me food and not my brothers."  Luckily I told them it was an extension of his birthday gift, this past Friday having been his birthday and it all worked out.

After eating we checked out his computer and played some video games but then I had to leave. I had him follow me outside to lend him an iPod charger I wasn’t using and he reached inside my car to steal a piece of gum. Instead I pulled out an entire pack of his favorite flavor Watermelon Twist and handed it to him and uncharacteristically he looked stunned. His hand slowly reached out for it, smiled and started to stutter out “Why do you…How come you…” It sounded like he was trying to ask me why I keep giving him things or how I’m so nice to him but eventually he stumbled out “Why do you..have so…much gum?” I told him “I knew you were visiting soon so I got your favorite for you.” He continued to be a bit confused, but with a smile, said thanks, bye and ran back inside. 

As soon as I was alone I said allowed to myself “It’s because I love you buddy. Don’t you see it?” It honestly seemed as if for the first him something clicked inside him. Perhaps he’s finally starting to realize the kindness and love I show him comes from a place of a little more than friendship. Maybe he’s connecting the dots I’ve been laying before him and coming to understand the depth of my feelings for him. Or maybe that’s all wishful thinking. Either way if I can, I’d like to wait for him to bring it up when he’s ready. The last thing I want to do is force my troubled life on him. But if he wants to become part of it and make it a little less troubled then all he has to do is ask.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Boy Moment - Kings, Queens and a Prince

There's a cute little dude at church named Gage. He's 6; a big head, lots of little teeth always showcasing his wild grin and he's probably the funniest kid I know. He's amazingly bright, so aware, and knows more about video games than most hardcore gamers I know. Every Sunday once church ends he comes rushing over to me to give the warmest of hugs. He'll show me the latest Goosebumps book he's reading (right now it's "Night of the Living Dummy"). We'll have full on conversations about some of our favorite games; the best parts, how ridiculous others are, and what to look forward to in the sequels. Today he asked me "How come you never play Playstation with me?" I told him, "Because I never really play on it.", to which he quickly replied, "But I saw on your account you just played The Last Guardian." You can't fool this kid. So I should probably make an effort to play with him soon. At a certain point he got called to leave and we said goodbye then the following conversation happened.

His Dad: "Gage. Wanna go to lunch?"
Gage: "Na...Unless Caden can go!"
*Gage waddles up to me*
Gage: "Hey Caden wanna go to lunch?!"
Me: "Sure where we goin?"
Gage: "I. D. K."
*I pick him up, hang him upside down and walk over to his dad*
Gage: "Im invisible right "
Me: "Yep. No one can see you."
*Gage giggles*

We ended up going to a restaurant/bar and as children do, he got chicken fingers and Sprite, but only after he was told they didn't have milk. Lunch consisted mainly of talks of the 4 year old game The Last of Us and then afterwards he wanted to play me chess. I helped him out a bit, but the game went on for a while and I nearly lost! Apparently he says he plays with his dad all the time and beat him in only 5 moves once! He's such a bright kid and always so much fun.

Sundays aren't always easy for me. Being a boylover is a struggle and my heart is constantly being pulled in so many directions. I often sit in silence with a heavy convicted heart while the word of God reminds me just how incomplete I really am without him. But then when I see little Gage running up to me and he shares his peaceful world with me, so small, innocent and pure, the difficulties of life, at least in that second, fade away. It's enough to remind me that these moments are the true joy in my life that keep me going.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Boy Moment - He's Back!

He's back!!! Today Danny and his family arrived for their annual stay.  They were supposed to get a smaller house for a couple months but the realtor had to give it to someone who wanted to rent it for a full month.  So instead they got put in a fancy house up in the hills obviously worth over a million dollars...maybe two.  It has three floors, a small pool sized hot tub on the deck, four bedrooms, and a large living area.  Outside are these beautiful hills and views of other fancy houses.  They don't yet have internet so the parents drove down the hill to find a signal to invite me over.  So after work I made my way up.  The parents were still gone but I knocked on the door and heard Danny and his three step brothers inside rushing to the door to greet me.  And once the door was opened, without a word and before I even stepped inside Danny dashed up to me and gave me the warmest hug.  Online when we're playing games he's also so confident and likes to playfully pick on me and I dish it right back but in that moment he was showing his softer side and the love we share and it put such a smile on my face and warmed my heart.  Eventually the parents showed up with dinner for the boys and I chatted with them for a while but then they had to go back down the hill leaving us alone.  We then played a game called ninja where we all stand in a circle and take turns trying to swipe another player's hand until only one person remains.  At one point Danny fell on the ground and was frozen until his turn.  Now, he's nearly 17 and is finally starting to look his age but still looks a convincing 15 or early 16 and breaching my AOA but he's my Danny Boy. A his sliver of tummy that was showing kind of got me going and it was such a beautiful sight of something I haven't seen in over half a year.  Still...he really needs a haircut.  He blows me away with shorter hair.  Anyway, we ended up spending the rest of the night playing hide and seek in the giant house.  Then to make things interesting we turned off all of the lights and it was nearly impossible to see and played a mixture of hide and seek and marco polo and I can't remember the last time I had that much fun!! At one point I was hiding behind a curtain and he felt around and found me so I wrapped my arm around him both to scare him and to hold him for a moment while he laughed.  Eventually though the night reached its end and I had to head home, but not before another wonderful hug from my boy

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Brotherly Love

I've known Ruby since the beginning of the summer but had yet to meet any of his family.  I'd usually drop him off at his apartment complex and watch him walk away but I still never even knew which door was his.  He's a somewhat mysterious kid who has to figure out much of his life on his own since while his mom and older brother work to support the family.  He's always riding his bike everywhere which is why I drop him off at night.  I don't let him ride around alone past dark.  He's kind of a wonder because even though he has so much freedom, he's so innocent and boyish.  He always seems just a little confused and aloof yet surprisingly knowledgable and aware when it counts.  In his uniqueness he's a boy I wish I could watch all day simply to see what he does, but also so that I can protect him.  Over the past six months or so I've grown very fond of him, to the point that I feel like an uncle or brother figure and seemingly, he feels the same.  Every night together ends with a loving hug accompanied by his fake cries and sniffles of "bye Caden...".  Since he's been back in school we've occasionally had to go weeks without seeing one another but then it all comes back like nothing happened once we're together again.  He's always the same, sweet and adorable little Ruby.

Well each time I hang out with Ruby I ask him about his older brother Lisandro.  He's often told me how mean he is, but then when I ask for examples he can't produce any.  Then I hear stories about how his brother bought him an expensive TV for Christmas or how he took Ruben to a car show or something.  The more I heard the more I realized that his brother was amazing, but Ruben only saw his as the father he no longer has.  See..Ruben's brother has to fill the role of his dad.  He's finishing high school and working in his off hours, basically handing over his life to help support the family.  But it's the fact that his brother has the authoritative role of the father position that rubs Ruby the wrong way.  But seeing through this I continued to spell that out for Ruben and express an interest in meeting his family.  This went on for months until eventually it happened.

Eventually I got Lisandro's phone number from Ruby so that I could invite him to our lakehouse that weekend.  I was a little nervous about it because of how Ruby felt about him, and how I was an older friend who never met any of his family and didn't want to taken the wrong way.  But I had no reason to worry.  He responded excitedly and eager to go but unsure if he was able to.  Then he asked if I was available to hang out in a couple hours.  It seemed so sudden and random since I'd never even met him before but we ended up going bowling. He brought Ruby and their younger brother and I brought my cousin Michael, Ruby's best friend.  For all that Ruben had told me about Lisandro he couldn't have prepared me for who he really was.  One look at him and I knew everything I needed to know.  He was a lightly older version of Ruby to the T.  He had the same charming face and smile, slim build, and spoke in the same nervous broken english, except even harder to understand.  At 18 he had a little facial hair wore a hat well.  It was hilarious watching them interact and how they seemingly had no idea how completely similar they really were.  And it was immediately obvious that Lisandro cared so much for his little brothers and loved them before all else and that Ruby, as sweet as he is, was giving him a slight adorable attitude as teenagers do.   But we all had a great time and it was really special to see those who Ruby holds so dear.

That weekend Lisandro did make it up to the lakehouse with us and had the time of his life.  Ruby felt like king of the hill showing him around our property and the boat and all the things he's been enjoying all summer that Lisandro had never experienced in his life.  The whole time I kept thinking about how thankful I was that even though Ruben didn't have a dad, he had people in his life who care so much about him and show him the love he deserves.  But that didn't mean there wasn't room for me.

I took him and my cousin snowboarding at the first snow of the winter.  It was Ruby's first time and he was so excited he wouldn't stop talking about it.  He looked so cute in his beanie that covered his ears with floppy flaps and strings that hung down to tie around his chin.  When in all his snowboard gear he looked all bundled up and cuddly and I couldn't help but smile each time I looked at him.  He was a little nervous but I rode with him up the lift to the top and talked him through each step of the way.  We were both shocked to see him successfully ride off the lift without falling.  I decided to go ahead of him just a bit so that I could guide him on his way down but once I turned around he was already flying down mountain, racing past me completely unable to control until he tumbled and laughed.  It was so adorable watching him figure it out and flop around in his signature Ruby body movements that make him look like he never quite has complete control of his limbs.  But after three hours he was finally ready for the big boy slope.  On our way up he was thanking me for being such a great teacher and talked about how much fun he was having.  Unfortunatly halfway down my first run I took a pretty bad spill.  He came rushing down to me and sat by my side, making sure I was ok.  I had hurt my shoulder pretty bad, later finding out it was a fractured collar bone, and was done for the day but told him to keep having fun and be save.  He felt bad going without me but I wouldn't let him miss out after getting so far.

That night once we got back to my place my cousin had gone home and Ruby was supposed to go to Micahel's house, who kept messaging him.  Instead though Ruben wanted to stay and take care of me.  He was concerned for my shoulder and kept making sure I had a cold ice pack on it and wanted to know if there was anything else we could do.  Once I was comfortable he came and sat by me, leaned into me and we watched YouTube videos on his phone.  We sat there for well over an hour basically cuddling on the couch, keeping each other warm and comfortable and loved.  Then we heard the doorbell ring and Brett and his girlfriend came over to say hi.  Ruby had gotten up to get the door but came back to assume his cuddly role at my side, seemingly unfazed and having others see his affection.  It still warms my heart even now remembering how kind that was of him to stay and take care of me, when all I want to do is care for him and love him like the father I wish he had.

Eventually though I dropped him off at Micahel's several hours later than he was supposed to arrive.  As he stepped out of the car he reached back in and said "Bye Caden...", followed by his fake but sincere sniffles and reached out his hand.  I extended my own to grasp his and held on for a moment while we stared into each other's eyes with a knowing brotherly love and thankfulness for one another.  He smiled then stepped away toward the house leaving me to watch my sweet boy slowly disappear.


Friday, November 25, 2016

Giving Thanks

I have several wonderful boys in my life with such amazing relationships that it feels impossible for it all to be a coincidence.  I without a doubt believe that God has connected me with these boys.  I believe he loves me and is giving me all that he can to show that love and still stay within his rules.  While he doesn't want me to be in a romantic relationship with a boy, he's put so many boys in my life to pour myself into knowing it would fill my life with joy.  I've had several times where out of nowhere parents ask me to be a big brother figure for their kids.  Other times a boy searching for a male influence after recently losing his father falls into my lap.  Sometimes it's just a small loving moment with a boy I'll probably never see again.  I'm no one special, but I am especially blessed and I don't want to fail to give credit where it's due.  So today, on Thanksgiving I'm incredibly thankful for all that God has given me.  I know I don't deserve it so it's by his grace alone that I have all that I do.  It's only because of him that I have a purpose and a way to live a happy and fulfilling life as a boylover.  Thank you God for everything.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Practice Makes Perfect

Tonight, as with most nights Danny and I played competitive online games in a hilarious battle of skill and dexterity.  We played best out of three and he barely pulled together a win at the last second, ending our series with an exciting finale.  Tonight though his parents were out and so his internet stayed on until they got back, to be cut off at an unknown random time.  So instead of risking getting cut off in the middle of a game we simply chatted.

I've been friends with Danny for a long time and in person he's always very talkative and I can spend hours just listening to him share every detail of his sweet existence.  But online he's always been a little less so, and more focused on games, until lately.  Within the past month or two we've had moments where we share heart to heart feelings that always brighten my mood and validate my importance in his life.  In fact he even mentioned tonight that his life consists of four things: 1) School 2) Eating / in-house family socializing 3) Competitive gaming 4) Me.  And this didn't mean I was fourth on his list, this was just the order of events for each day since I don't get home from work until later.  My first comment aside from being utterly flattered was that his girlfriend was missing from the list.  It turns out that he recently broke up with her because the long distance relationship was too hard and too much work, especially since they might not be able to see each other again for over a year.

We continued our conversation about friendships and how most of his friends are online.  He talks to his brother in Arizona every couple weeks, spends time with his local friends about once a month but hangs out with me nearly every night.  In fact, if I'm unavailable at night he's at a loss of what to do and either fills it with Netflix or sleep.  On one hand its a bummer for me to see his so removed from everyone, but he's happy. And it feels incredible to be such a huge part of his life and daily routine.

I shared about how I spend my non-working life trying to put a smile on my friends' faces one by one and making sure I spread the love evenly, though with him being the exception and always being on the top of my list.

It wasn't long after that when he all of a sudden said "Which I've been thinking...we gotta get you someone- or I guess...what are your thoughts on that?"  He didn't want to force the idea of me getting a girlfriend but he was curious where my mind was at this point in my life.  I'm a guy in my mid-twenties and as far as he's known me over the past nearly 5 years he's only even heard of me dating someone once.  But what was I supposed to tell him?  I had SO many thoughts on the topic but I ended up going with the answer I usually give.  I said that I'm so happy with what I have right now and the friends that I have, and that I'm so devoted to being role models for the kids in my life that dating someone would only disrupt that process and diminish my effectiveness.   He completely understood and was interested in hearing more of what I had to say asking me to "go on".  So I did.

I kept talking about my feelings about my non-existant romantic life , wanting so badly to tell him the truth, but trying my best to delicately dance around the topic and then all of a sudden, mid sentence the connection failed.  The random time his internet got shut off ended up being 1:58AM, leaving me with a full heart and a silent buzz in my ears.  But unfazed, like a moment from a movie, I couldn't help but continue as if he were still there.  I was nervous and hesitant and almost sorry to speak the words so that I communicated very slowly, often only one or two words at a time.  But I told him about how the reason I'm not actively looking is because I already found the one.  I've already found the person I love more than the rest of the world put together, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, the person I already spend every night with.  I already found him.  "I already found you..."  There in my room, a thousand miles away across a dropped call I told my deepest secret to the boy who unbeknownst to him, stole my heart.  Once the words left my mouth I sat in silence for a long time waiting for him to respond but accepting his hesitance as confusion being unsure how to answer.  It was a calming peaceful moment of relief and sorrow with a hint of hopefulness.  Then after I gathered the courage I whispered, "I'm sorry buddy.  I love you.  Goodnight.  I'll talk to you tomorrow", pulled off my headset, and stepped away from my desk.

I don't know if I'll ever actually get to tell Danny how I feel about him.  But even the imaginary conversation was incredibly difficult for me.  Still a strong part of me feels he deserves to know.  Only time will tell.  Still, I'm thankful I'm such a huge part of his life and I hope I continue to be so.  And maybe next time we have this conversation we'll be sitting inches from one another sharing a moment that will only work wonders to strengthen our friendship.